As a blogger who’s not a “mommy blogger,” I’ve often felt left out. I have nothing to add to breastfeeding and diaper discussions. I wonder if I’m welcome to participate in conferences like “Type-A Mom” or “Mom Media Summit.” Not to mention Mom Spark Media, AT&T Moms, etc. Yet it’s not only online that I feel outcast as a childfree woman. When I read Complete Without Kids, I thought “finally, someone understands!”
Dr. Ellen Walker describes perfectly the awkwardness in social situations when the childfree are asked if we have kids. Being in my 30s, people often ask “are you planning to have some soon?” as a follow up when I say no. I’m often not sure how to respond. I really don’t want to get into the specifics. Yet I don’t want people to assume that I hate children or have something wrong with me, as happens more often than you might think. Even using the word “childfree” is offensive to some with children, but the alternative—childless—only serves to emphasize what is for some a painful reminder that they do not have something they perhaps want very badly.
Complete Without Kids does an excellent job of looking at the childfree lifestyle from many angles, and hopefully will serve as a bridge over the divide between mothers and the childfree, because unfortunately as with many areas of life in America it seems to be deepening, and both sides could use a dose of walking in the other’s shoes.
Here is an overview of the chapters that are included in the book:
The path to childfree
The first chapter in the book talks about the various ways that people end up childfree. For some, it’s a choice; they just never wanted kids in the first place. For others, they were physically unable to have children. For still others, they thought they would have children at some point but just never had the opportunity or met the right person. These categories overlap quite a bit, and make clear that “childfree” is not a one size fits all category.
Childfree decision making: A behind-the-scenes look
Dr. Walker interviews several childfree couples for this book, and talks a bit about their decision making. As you might guess, it is different for everyone but a number of factors seem to come into play. With any major life decision, there is always the question “what might have been,” but how it is handled often depends on the person’s own personality and reveals itself in other areas of the person’s life as well. For example if they tend to rationalize things that happen to them as “for the best,” they are likely to be at peace with the fact they do not have children. If they tend to see themselves as a victim, they will likely see the fact that they don’t have children as one more blow that life dealt them. Dr. Walker also makes an excellent point: while people often wonder at the reasons people DON’T have kids, how many people wonder why people have chosen TO have kids?
Childfree personalities
Complete Without Kids talks honestly about how not having kids impacts people’s personalities. Having children DOES make a difference in how you view the world, and what your obligations are. It’s not necessarily because people who don’t have children all have a personality trait that causes them to NOT have children, but their everyday experiences are different from those who have children.
Childfree days
The author also describes what childfree days are like vs. those with children. Did you know it takes about 7 hours to parent a child EVERY DAY? Holy moly. Of course, it doesn’t mean that childfree are just lounging around; they are often very involved in hobbies and social activities or throw themselves into their work. It’s important to maintain a balance. Another thing that she brings up is that those with children often get to take time off work, whereas those without are penalized and required to work evenings and weekends or pick up the slack when their coworkers have family obligations. It’s a question of equity that should be addressed in the workplace.
Love and friendship
Statistics show that having children takes its toll on marriage; happiness usually increases after children leave the nest. Those who don’t have children have more time to spend with each other and don’t have “for the sake of the children” as a compelling reason to stay together. Of course, if the couple is in disagreement over whether or not to have children, that can cause problems.
Health, finances and future planning
While people with children may assume that they will be taken care of in their old age, Complete Without Kids takes a realistic view. People without children need to make sure they have enough saved and cultivate friendships with others as they will not have their family to fall back on. However, it’s not a reason to have kids because the author also describes many friends of hers who DO have children but who do not come to visit or support their parents in their old age.
Future directions
The author finishes the book by talking about how in future generations, being childfree by choice will be more common. Societal pressure to have children will be reduced as awareness of the environment increases.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this book. It brought up some great points both pro and con to having children, and helped me be at peace with my own childfree status. I hope that this is just one small step in helping the childfree and the moms understand each other.
Disclosure: I received a complimentary review copy of Complete Without Kids: An Insider’s Guide to Childfree Living by Choice or by Chance (Amazon affiliate link). All opinions are my own.
As a “childful by choice” person who doesn’t work outside the home, I wonder how this book arrives at the 7 hours a day figure. That seems a lot of time that children aren’t being parented at all. If I tell you I have 5 children, all of whom are parented by more than one person 24/7, issues of having to work, for pay, the occasional weekend seem pretty minor to me. And, of course, these considerations hardly apply to men, whose parenting (or not) generally has little impact on their work responsibilities.
As someone tweeted to me this morning, “A child is the most complicated thing you can make with unskilled labor.” I suggest that that reality is the most important issue for all of us, with and without children. As to the idea that ecological consciousness will result in smaller families, quite the opposite. Takes people to operate a civilization that isn’t based on machinery & fossil fuels. It’s conspicuous consumption (which is not related to family size) that uses resources exceeding a good balance.
Even parents have “childfree” periods in their lives. The gap isn’t as wide as you may think. 😉
Here’s the quote about the 7.5 hours “According to author Susan Lang, time-use experts from Cornell University found that parents with two children put in 7.5 hours a day raising them . . . These researchers added all the hours parents put into raising their kids, including primary child care tasks such as bathing, dressing, teaching, supervising, counseling, driving, and feeding children, as well as secondary child care activities such as cooking, housework, and hobbies. They also included shared leisure, household work, and mealtime.” (of course those are averages . . . I’m sure we both know parents who put in a lot more or less!)
I agree that even parents do have “childfree” periods in their lives, but unless they have struggled with infertility or truly agonized over the decision whether to have children, they can’t understand the social pressure experienced by the childfree by choice or chance.
I think, again, that that pressure is gender specific, and, in many cases, also culturally specific. Women are identified by their family roles far more than men… so, as adults, their procession into the next generation of relationship is more scrutinized.
As a woman with problem fertility I found pregnant women especially hard to deal with. When I had a child, I was cast off by both my single friends and my friends in the TTC community. I was very ODD to have a baby. Then my partner died and NOONE wanted to speak to me. Too many status differences for them to manage.
When I moved I was a ‘young single mom’, which meant ‘sexually available and not too bright’ to many strangers. After I remarried I was just ‘a mom’… and my professional identity disappeared entirely. In each stage people wanted to define me by my relationships. It’s a lazy way people approach things. However, it isn’t the way we have to approach ourselves, or each other.
The problem with that statistic is that parenting isn’t a task, or a series of tasks. Like all relationships of any value, it exists outside time. I heard that a teacher of mine from 40 years ago died, and that loss was current. It wouldn’t have shown up on ‘Think of Miss Scanlan when you apologize for your messy handwriting’ as an event in my day, but it’s there. Undertaking long term relationships, whether in a family structure or otherwise, requires us to extend ourselves, and that’s the component that ‘hours spent running the bath’ doesn’t recognize.
I’m truly sorry people are insensitive. 🙁
Me too! Why do people feel the need to categorize others? It sounds like you have experienced this from several angles. 🙁
Thanks for this book review! I’m really interested in reading it now. My husband and I are childfree by choice, and we have a lot of reasons for making that choice, though a lot of people don’t take it seriously or think that we’ll “change our minds”. As a lot of our friends start to have children, it has been hard to drift away from them or feel that gap between us widening. It sounds like this book might be really helpful for me to clarify my own feelings about the stigma and difficulties that come with being childfree.
totally, at least it did for me. I really liked that the author is a psychologist, so she explained things really well.
I should read this, I’m also child-free. I’m only 23 so that could change someday but for now I’m totally happy with a husband and dog. I work at home so that adds to people questioning about kids.
I didn’t have kids – or even get married – until after I was 30. I hated the pressure (but that’s not why I did it) and remember it well. It was so nosy. Seriously. The questions people ask!! Now that I am both married and have children (in that order, thankyouverymuch) I cannot for the life of me understand why people felt so compelled to dig into my private life and (sorry for saying this) private parts. None of their business, and I certainly don’t feel like it’s mine to know anything that folks don’t care to share.