On Being Fat

In preparation for my weight loss surgery (WLS), I’ve been hanging out on WLS forums. Sometimes I have a hard time relating. People who started out at 400 pounds get to the weight I am now and are super excited, wearing bikinis and talking about all their NSVs (Non Scale Victories).

Some of this is because I’m considered a “lightweight,” which is kind of funny to me, but it’s what I’m considered in WLS circles. I can fly on an airplane without using an extender. I can paint my own toenails. I can go shopping without using a scooter. (I have run and done triathlons, for goodness’ sakes). Kale is not a foreign food to me. In fact, I have a pretty awesome life. Since being fat, I have

• completed grad school
• continued in a successful career
• traveled the world for said career
• launched blogs and websites
• helped other entrepreneurs with their marketing
• married a wonderful man
• done sprint triathlons
• run 9.5 miles
• learned how to cook
• learned how to sew
• learned how to make cheese
• learned how to ride a motorcycle
• did a two day bike ride
• made many new friends
• took belly dancing classes
• eaten at awesome restaurants
• learned about wine
• established a life after my divorce, moving on to new friends and a new community

So, for a fat person, I have it pretty good. The negatives?

• sleep apnea
• have to buy plus size clothes
• more difficult to exercise (I assume . . . I never exercised much as a skinny person, ironically)
• cholesterol (although my underweight father also has cholesterol issues)
• airplane seats uncomfortable
• health issues down the road (I assume)
• I’m fat

My life as a fat person has been awesome. So what was my life like as a skinny person? I was smart. Successful. In an awful marriage with money problems. Overly concerned with what other people thought. I was single and skinny for about a year before meeting DH. I loved feeling sexy. But my world was pretty insecure.

Is it any wonder, then, that my past attempts at losing weight have failed? This shouldn’t be a new revelation. But it occurred to me recently, probably as a result of my holistic health coach asking me, “what will my life be like as a skinny person?”

I’ve been pondering that for a few weeks now. In my head I know there is no reason I can’t be as free, as fulfilled as a skinny person – plus it will be easier to exercise and I can buy cute clothes! I just need to feel it in my soul.

It’s tough stuff, this internal work on weight loss. It’s not about just calories in and calories out. I look forward to continuing the journey.

To be continued . . .