I’m actually a bit scared to post this, but I’m doing it anyway. My health counselor suggested it a couple of months ago, and it has taken me this long to get up the courage. But I’m posting it in spite of my insecurities because it just might help someone else.
As far as food bloggers go, I’m not very extreme. At all. I’m not vegan, gluten free, paleo, or even that far into the Real Food camp. In fact at one point along the way I was asked to contribute to a baby steps for real food series because, according to the blogger, I somehow managed to incorporate real food into my cooking without going “all the way.” By that I guess he meant that I use real ingredients but don’t do the whole soaking/sprouting/fermenting thing.
That’s not to say I don’t feel guilty about not doing those things. I have all the books. I read the blogs. I have a sourdough culture that I’ve been keeping alive (sort of).
I didn’t realize how much I had internalized the guilt of what I should be doing until I found myself at the health counselor wanting to lose weight. I was eating out three times a day, which was not healthy for my waistline nor my wallet.
“So let’s start with breakfast,” she said. “If you forget about what you think you should be eating, and could eat anything you wanted, what would you want for breakfast?”
“Eggs and toast,” I answered. It truly is my favorite breakfast. Except that I hadn’t had time to go to the farmers market in ages and I couldn’t bring myself to buy eggs at the grocery store. As I answered the question, I could hear the neglected sourdough culture calling to me from the refrigerator. And since I didn’t have anything in the house for breakfast I found myself stopping at the local bagel shop every morning for a chocolate chip muffin and a large coffee with skim milk. On days I was feeling especially down on the fact that I was not cooking my own breakfast I was rebellious and ordered a soy milk latte–GMOs and “The Dangers of Soy” brochures be dammed.
“What’s stopping you from eating eggs and toast for breakfast?” she asked.
Suddenly all the guilt washed over me. “I haven’t had time to bake the bread,” I said. And then the tears flowed. And I felt really silly crying over unbaked bread.
She then reminded me of the time that I felt guilty about buying rhubarb at the grocery store.
“Are there any other areas of your life where you feel like if you can’t do something perfectly, it’s not worth trying to do at all?” she asked. Dang, she asks hard questions. I had to think about that one.
My assignment for the next few weeks was to go to the grocery store and buy really good quality bread so that I could eat eggs and toast for breakfast. I did. I gave myself permission. But then, a funny thing happened.
Once I was eating protein and not sugar for breakfast, I had more energy. I did find time to make it to a local grocery store that carries local organic eggs. I’ve since made it a regular habit to shop there once a week on my lunch hour for basic groceries. I’m sleeping better, and even though I’m still not baking my own sprouted sourdough bread, I am cooking more and losing weight–all without counting any calories.
All because I gave myself permission to not do things perfectly.
Why am I posting this? What sane person would admit on the internet that they cried over unbaked bread? Because I have a feeling I’m not the only one who bookmarks recipes and tutorials and at the end of the day gives up and says, “screw it” and orders pizza. I want to tell you it’s OK, despite the food nazis and militancy of some sites you might come across, to do what you can and not feel guilty if it’s not perfect.
Let go of the food rules, listen to your body and your heart, and do what you can. Really, it’s OK.
This post shared at Works for Me Wednesday
Oh my. Ugly perfectionism. If I can’t do it perfectly, then I might as well not even try. Yup. I know the drill.
In case it helps, I get it. You’re not alone. Good for you for posting this! I’ll bet it helps someone else to see it typed out…
I’m so glad someone else understands!
Perfect in every way! I’m pretty sure there are LOTS of us out here in Too-Much-Information Land who know the food shoulds and shouldn’ts, whys and wherefores of What We Must Eat, yet don’t always follow through. Yes, it can be verrrry tempting to say “I’ve failed” and give up the fight as an all-or-nothing proposition, thinking I’ve landed on the Nothing side of things. Hurrah for you for reminding us all that forward progress, in steps of any size, is still progress and still a step to improving our lives and our health. Have a happy healthy-enough day!
Thanks for this! My husband sent this blog to me, and I can relate with a lot of what you are saying. I have aspirations to ‘do food’ perfectly – buy organic, local and abide by all the rules of nutrition. When I don’t do it quite the way I want to, I feel overwhelmed and give up. I am also learning that balance of doing it in a way that is ‘good enough’ for right now, and to learn to appreciate the ways that I can follow through on things that I value.
I’m so glad you can relate. I have had some interesting emails in response to this post. Some have told me I need to do more. Others have appreciated permission to just do what they can without feeling the need to do things perfectly. What I’ve found over the past couple of months, though, is that giving myself permission to not do things 100% the way I “should” actually makes doing those good things easier. It’s sort of a weird paradox!
Somebody termed it “discouraged perfectionist”. I too get caught up in ‘what should be’. It’s not easy letting go, but it’s possible. “All things in moderation” includes food choices. I appreciate your honesty. I tend to think that those who write must be right…and perfect, unlike myself. Thank you for your post.
Wow, it sounds like we have a lot of similarities. I also like all the real food stuff but haven’t started doing the soaking and such. And yes I feel a lot of guilt when I eat foods I know are terrible for me. But yeah, we can’t be perfect, it’s okay that sometimes I eat organic boxed mac and cheese, at least I’m not eating McDonald’s, right? ha
Very refreshing! It’s nice to hear from another imperfect idealist! The Real Food blogs and foodie blogs and perfect homemaker blogs can be darned intimidating. Even when I cook real food (pretty much daily), I don’t have a food stylist or photographer with fancy equipment to make it look perfect. But it usually tastes good! So, I hear you. I’m one to *slowly* make changes that I can live with. I have never done a 30-day-diet-or-whatever bootcamp in my life. I have learned I can only progress as fast as I can progress, and it’s never just overnight.
Your counselor seems wise. Thanks for sharing!
This was such a great post…I am so familiar with the guilt you feel because I feel it myself! When I first started becoming interested in health, I read about veganism for max health and I wouldn’t touch dairy because then I might get breast cancer! Or the whole wheat/grain thing…I wouldn’t buy any but then I would buy a bag of reeses pb cups and eat in all one sitting. It’s an awful cycle and I too am where you are (after also seeing a counselor) and realizing what I was doing to myself has been such a lightbulb moment. For now I’m trying to make good food choices but not stressing if they’re not perfect. It has been so relaxing to eat now. I’m glad I’m not alone thank you for this post 🙂
I admire your courage to post this! As you’ve probably already seen from all the other messages, you are not alone. Heck, I was caught up in the “fruit-only” mentality along with “no fat” and then turned all the way around to “no fruit” and on and on until I realized that there was a point in my life along the way where I tried to get rid of almost every food group–which leaves you with nearly nothing. I, like you, am starting to find a sweet balance and I’m grateful for it. I truly believe that mental health is a large factor in what we eat–and if we constantly feel deprived and strive for that perfectionism our health, no matter how “clean” we eat, will fail in the end.
I explore my past journal entries in my goal for “perfectionism” that led me to find out I was dealing with an eating disorder with my blog at http://www.runninginsilence.com. You are not alone, and I understand the courage it takes to post something so personal! Good luck to you, and thanks again!
Well done you! Confidence and acceptance is much better than perfection, isn’t it? Happy or your revelation, happy you found Laura too! Keep being gentle with yourself 🙂
Great blog. I also met with a health counselor, and I started crying when she told me that my breakfast of a sprouted muffin with almond butter and raspberries sounded healthy. I had been beating myself up with food rules for about 25 years, and I always assumed that I was eating “wrong”. No one had ever spoken to me with such kindness about what I ate…including me!
Great post! I think you speak for most of us. I always say I eat a super healthy diet that’s organic, pastured, sustainable, soaked, fermented, sprouted, etc, unless I happen to be driving by In-N-Out or unless I’m tired and hungry without any pre-made healthy options in my freezer. At the WAPF conference this year (the first time I’d attended), I was really struck by how all the speakers, from Sally Fallon on down, emphasized that you should do the best you can most of the time, not try to be perfect all of the time. I remember Sally saying she eats bacon and eggs for breakfast in hotels when she travels because that is the best choice there. She knows they aren’t pastured eggs or bacon from the healthiest pigs, but they are the best option available in that situation.