“Simple celebrations can be joyful and rich events, focusing on relationships, faith, and time spent together rather than on gifts, matching decor, spotless floors, and elegant foods.” — Rebecca Seiling, Living More with Less
I feel very blessed to have grown up in a family where simple things were appreciated. Yes, we received Christmas and birthday presents, but we also had a lot of other traditions that had nothing to do with gifts. I posted earlier about a tradition of the birthday girl decorating the cake mom would make us. We would also have cake and ice cream near our birthday and the grandparents and aunts and uncles would come over. My favorite Christmas memories are of decorating the Christmas tree with ornaments that we had collected over the years. I remember my mom had a “garage sale” ornament, and my dad a “gone fishin'” ornament. Even if we decorated the tree while dad was still working on the farm late into the night, he would be the one to put his fishing ornament on the tree when he got home.
Even now that my sisters and I are grown with families of our own, we still celebrate by spending time with each other. We get together for a Sunday dinner and the birthday guest of honor gets to choose what mom and dad make for the meal. Often we request our childhood favorites like beer battered perch; wet burritos; white chicken chili.
Have you ever read the 5 Love Languages book? The premise is that each of us feels and expresses love in a different way, or language. They include: Words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. My husband and I match almost exactly in our ranking of preferred languages. Receiving gifts is at the very bottom for both of us, so we normally don’t get gifts for each other. Some might think that strange, but we much prefer to have a nice dinner out or have some kind of experience together.
It’s been fascinating to get to know my mother-in-law, whose primary love language is giving gifts. The first time I spent Christmas with DH and his family was almost overwhelming. First she took us shopping and made us buy hundreds of dollars worth of gifts that she would later wrap to give to us. Any clothing must be tried on, and she preferred if we didn’t buy just one or two large things with our allotment. The shopping experience itself was overwhelming as I avoid malls as much as possible. I hate crowds, and the mall in December is crowded indeed. Added to that stress, my mother in law shops in a wheelchair as she is not strong enough to walk very long, plus the grandparents came along, who are also not in the best of health. Then my mother-in-law goes out and buys additional gifts for us, many “As Seen on TV” if you catch my drift. Opening the presents takes hours, and there are piles and piles of gift wrap.
At first I had a really hard time with the focus on consumerism, but then I remembered the love languages and came to accept that this is the way MIL shows love. Over the years we have encouraged her to scale back, or at least point her in the direction of more practical things. I suspect that many others are in the same boat. If you or someone you love has the love language of gifts, it can be hard to give up habits that feed consumerism. In that case, I suggest focusing on quality over quantity; not quality in the sense of expense, but quality in the sense that it shows you really know the recipient of the gift. Also, make a conscious decision to build other traditions into your celebrations that are not focused on gifts.
What are some of your favorite non-gift traditions to celebrate holidays?
This post also shared at Gratituesday
My grandmother and to a lesser extent my mom both express their love through gifts like your mother in law. Her addiction is QVC! I try to catch her in July with a list of things we need or we end up with a bunch of things going to goodwill. Seth comes from a one gift per person family so he’s had a hard time adjusting. I know my family enjoys it and I make sure to show a river of gratitude even if I am secretly making “keep” and “toss” piles as I open. This year the toss pile is helping our church youth go to conference so it really is appreciated.
Seth’s extended family has a get together during the holiday season. They buy little toys that inspire imagination and instead of wrapping them, they put a blanket over them on the table. Each gift has a ribbon attached. The children gather around the “pie” and pick a ribbon and everyone pulls at the same time to unveil their gift!
I must admit I love the gifts that come from my husband. He is so thoughtful and really knows what I love. We have a one gift policy with a price limit, which helps us be more personal with our gift. For example one year he got me a Crepe Myrtle, and I made him a scarf. My favorite tradition though is where we each give the same amount to charity in honor of the other person. We write each other a letter saying what their contribution will be used for and how it celebrates their life and dreams. Those notes are certainly treasured above all else!
We recently moved to the one-gift-per person variation in my family. It was getting really difficult for some to “compete” at everybody-buys-for-everybody, because there is Mom with limited income (and mobility — shopping is not much fun for her), then a brother and sister-in-law who Have (and can afford) Everything, another brother with 2 kids in college and me/my husband/daughter who are probably somewhere in the middle. A few years ago, we instituted drawing a name & buying for just that one person. (Mostly uninspired gift givers, anyway — largely a Best Buy Giftcard Exghange, soooo boring.) We added a white elephant gift exchange — has to be something already in your house — and then you can “challenge” to trade. Guess what? Everybody loves this part — it’s crazy, fun and more memorable — and it’s been suggested we might just drop the draw-a-name-buy-a-gift part altogether. The group laughter is probably a far better gift to each other!
I started a new tradition with my birthday a few years ago. I have a reuse/recycled birthday. It’s so much fun. I tell my friends if they want to give me a gift please make it something they no longer need, don’t buy me anything new. It has been wonderful. I’ve received lots of books, purses, clothes, a beautiful mosaic candle holder, a wonderful and beautiful quilt….I’ve been so happy with this, and my friends have had a great time with it too.
We too enjoy decorating out Christmas tree, we usually make cookies that night and listen to Christmas carols. We also have a tradition of watching It’s a Wonderful Life on Christmas eve. Our friends who are in town will come over and bring some snack food and we all watch the movie together and have a great time. (no gifts) Another thing my husband and I do during Christmas is put our Lego Christmas Train together. It’s so much fun to do this together, and to have it run around our tree.
One year instead of giving gifts for Christmas I donated an hour of time volunteering at a local charity for each dollar I would have spent. I remember my father in law saying “That sounds like something Wendy would do.” He was very proud of me.
This year we are trying to not buy anything new, except what is absolutely necessary. So we will be giving used gifts this year, or something we made.
I love different ideas for celebrating things. I need more ideas for ways to treat myself without spending money, or eating. : )
Love this post, Wendy! I have been thinking a lot about love languages lately. My mother’s love language was gifts as well, and it was way too overwhelming since it was often not-so-helpful gifts that she chose to give.
Now I am thinking about my kids and my husband. My oldest talks ALL THE TIME and it is clear that what he wants is to be loved through speech. I really need to take the time to listen and watch how I say things so that he feels loved.
Thanks for the reminder!